Lawrence County Unveils Plans for Amish Theme Park

In a press conference this morning, local officials announced that ground will soon be broken for 'Amish Paradise,' a 10,000-acre Amish-themed amusement park that will be located in Lawrenceburg.

"It's going to feature some top-tier attractions," said one official. "There will be huge fields of corn that you and your family can pick by hand, a food court where you have to cook your own food over a wood-burning stove (after you've chopped the wood, of course), and a ride where you churn your own butter. The best part is, you can keep the butter when you leave the ride!"

The park's parent company, Plain and Simple Entertainment, is optimistic about the project.

"We usually have to invest in a lot of infrastructure before we start building attractions. The beautiful thing about Amish Paradise is that there will be no electricity or running water, so we are going to save a ton of money at startup," said Plain and Simple CEO Sam Garfield. "We won't even have to hire any builders. The first six months after we open, the guests will be expected to help build the park's buildings. If enough people show up, we could probably raise three or four barns a day."

Included in the park's plans are an on-site dairy where guests will be required to milk a cow before leaving.

"The local economic impact of this project is expected to be massive," said a representative of the Chamber of Commerce. "We have been working very closely with Amish Paradise to make sure they have what they need to succeed. Which, so far, has been shockingly little."

The park will include attractions for every age.

"I'd say a good 85% of the rides are horse-based," said one of the park's engineers, speaking on condition of anonymity. "I mean, there will be a huge number of rides that revolve around people just getting on horses and riding wherever they want."

But Garfield disagrees.

"You will be able to ride a variety of animals at Amish Paradise," he said. "Horses are only the beginning."

Gates are expected to open on April 1, 2025. For more info, contact aprilfools@lawcohistory.com.